What I feel now....

It's been a month since I moved here.

I lived alone during my final 2 weeks before moving out from Sunderland. I can do whatever I want that nobody cares. I can go out whenever I want. I can do my own stuff whenever I want.

My life now is better. Aunt taking care of my dinner. Having proper food. Got nice place to shower. Got internet for free. Got TV to watch. Spending nil for all those while getting cash to spend if going out. but, I just can't take it easy on myself when I stay here. I feel pressured sometimes as I'm living in someone's place. My lifestyle is different. I have my own ways in some daily chores, tasks, habits and etc. I felt that I can't do anything wrong as I felt that if I did, I'll be in trouble. I'm thinking that, am I sitting in front of my laptop everyday making them saying stuff about me? I just have no motive and bored that's all. There's not really anything that I can do here really interest me. Those that I'm interested in, I don't dare to do it. Maybe others in the house are thinking why I don't wanna sleep earlier, staying up till late and sleep till nearly noon every morning... one reason: I feel more free to do things when everyone went to bed. At least I don't feel someone is looking at me doing things.

I felt lonely as well. I can't tell anyone how I really felt. I have nobody to talk about my feelings in my life. Relationships... myself... my future... my plans... my dreams... and nobody who comes online in MSN everyday can fully understand my feelings. I'm independent, but at times, I need someone to talk to. All my friends who has same interest as mine doesn't come online anymore nowadays. I don't know where are they, what are they doing. Maybe I really need to transform myself into lone ranger after all... like Dr. Suresh in Heroes... pursuing his own dreams alone while nobody listens to him...

Some of the things... I can't let go even I already tried... Others are telling me that I'm too bored, I'm lonely and etc. and that's why I think too much. Since I graduated, I achieved nothing useful. Only some toys like that roller coaster... I failed to complete the second one with my own plans.

I never really felt happy since I moved out from Sunderland. Maybe few times... like, when I helped my friend to solve some computer problems... when I done the roller coaster and compiled the video... I got some positive feedbacks from my interview... when granny says that the food that I cooked is nice... when my blog traffic increased a bit... when I finally changed the sidebar colour of my blog that I tried for 2 days... when I get great comments from readers...

Seems like I got happy times too since moved out huh... There are important things that makes me happy as well... seeing someone's smile... seeing the special someone come struggling me with troublesome problems... Opening an envelope and see someone writing to me that they know me quite well...

After all those babbling and moaning.. I feel better. I'm just bored and lonely thats all. Ready to face new challenges anytime!!

Leaving for London again this Saturday to see my friend, to join a festival, and most importantly, get my misc things done, and my visa done next Tuesday.

Feel like wanna chat with my brother though...