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My feelings

I'm officially broke..

Friday, 24 August 2007

What I feel now....

It's been a month since I moved here.

I lived alone during my final 2 weeks before moving out from Sunderland. I can do whatever I want that nobody cares. I can go out whenever I want. I can do my own stuff whenever I want.

My life now is better. Aunt taking care of my dinner. Having proper food. Got nice place to shower. Got internet for free. Got TV to watch. Spending nil for all those while getting cash to spend if going out. but, I just can't take it easy on myself when I stay here. I feel pressured sometimes as I'm living in someone's place. My lifestyle is different. I have my own ways in some daily chores, tasks, habits and etc. I felt that I can't do anything wrong as I felt that if I did, I'll be in trouble. I'm thinking that, am I sitting in front of my laptop everyday making them saying stuff about me? I just have no motive and bored that's all. There's not really anything that I can do here really interest me. Those that I'm interested in, I don't dare to do it. Maybe others in the house are thinking why I don't wanna sleep earlier, staying up till late and sleep till nearly noon every morning... one reason: I feel more free to do things when everyone went to bed. At least I don't feel someone is looking at me doing things.

I felt lonely as well. I can't tell anyone how I really felt. I have nobody to talk about my feelings in my life. Relationships... myself... my future... my plans... my dreams... and nobody who comes online in MSN everyday can fully understand my feelings. I'm independent, but at times, I need someone to talk to. All my friends who has same interest as mine doesn't come online anymore nowadays. I don't know where are they, what are they doing. Maybe I really need to transform myself into lone ranger after all... like Dr. Suresh in Heroes... pursuing his own dreams alone while nobody listens to him...

Some of the things... I can't let go even I already tried... Others are telling me that I'm too bored, I'm lonely and etc. and that's why I think too much. Since I graduated, I achieved nothing useful. Only some toys like that roller coaster... I failed to complete the second one with my own plans.

I never really felt happy since I moved out from Sunderland. Maybe few times... like, when I helped my friend to solve some computer problems... when I done the roller coaster and compiled the video... I got some positive feedbacks from my interview... when granny says that the food that I cooked is nice... when my blog traffic increased a bit... when I finally changed the sidebar colour of my blog that I tried for 2 days... when I get great comments from readers...

Seems like I got happy times too since moved out huh... There are important things that makes me happy as well... seeing someone's smile... seeing the special someone come struggling me with troublesome problems... Opening an envelope and see someone writing to me that they know me quite well...

After all those babbling and moaning.. I feel better. I'm just bored and lonely thats all. Ready to face new challenges anytime!!

Leaving for London again this Saturday to see my friend, to join a festival, and most importantly, get my misc things done, and my visa done next Tuesday.

Feel like wanna chat with my brother though...

5 comments:

Angel Valerie said...

dedicate lonely by akon to u.

lonely...
i am so lonely...
i've nobody...
la la la la la la...

happy or not le? hehe

Ken said...

u know this is just a transition period right?

;)

Anonymous said...

有人说孤单和寂寞是不一样的。
孤单是孤独一个人。
寂寞是身边很多朋友,很热闹,但是还是独自一个人。
不知道你是哪一种??
感谢,因为人有很多种情感
无论快乐、伤心、寂寞、忧愁等等
我们尝试过
所以你才会更明白周遭人的感受
所以听到某些歌曲也会觉得感动
所以在文字方面会表达的更多
没有尝试痛苦的人,不知道什么叫快乐
可能没有尝试有朋友的日子,不知道什么叫孤单寂寞吧
特别是人在异乡孤独感特别浓烈
那些常常说没有人懂我的人,很多
其实可能他们就是同一种吧
照理说这种感受人人都懂
也不知道为什么自己觉得别人不懂
说白了,别人也许懂我们,但无奈总是无言以对,不懂得安慰
隐藏了,别人可能不懂我们,但寂寞感在人类的自身里头好像就存在,只是能不能感应的问题而已
孤单,可以找朋友
也许有了朋友,还是会寂寞
人有时就是这么复杂
但也可以很简单
就是习惯孤单寂寞

RJ

Jeremy said...

[angel] cheers~~

[ken]well, i hope this is a transition period...

[RJ]who are you though...? I can't figure out.. hehe.. well, i get what you tried to explain... thanks... I don't hv friends around me at the moment but i felt lonesome as well sometimes even if they were around...

clement said...

time to kao lui