I am rebellious

Yes, I am a rebellious person. I have a rebellious character. It's not the first time I act like that. I just hate when people force me to do something, shout at me to do something which I know of what my decision is. I hate it when the manager treats us like dogs or machines, or just slaves, doing whatever they like to us until we are out of breath for their own pocket. I hate even more when the managers manipulate us but didn't show any appreciation for our work towards their pocket.

Recently, the business went better, we are all tired, I feel that I, as lowly team member, still get the same pay like we do a bit less job, is unfair. We get no appreciation, not even a sincere thank you from the manager. Out of 4 managers, I can only feel the sincere of the Delivery Manager, Dan, the only English working in our shop. I will serve him more than any managers, even if he ask me to run as fast as possible for deliveries like there is no tomorrow. I know I am gonna be loyal to him as he knows the meaning of appreciation.

The Ops manager, is a jerk. manipulating us like what I said before. Yet, adding more pressure and workload for the closing shift, me and other 2 colleagues. I once heard him saying to the kitchen leader, "I give you XXX (any colleagues), please make the most of him/her in the kitchen" It's like sending us to hell. Today, I am utterly disgusted by his doing during closing hour. Before today, he only called 1 nearby shop so we can send our leftovers sandwiches to them, today he called 2!!! that makes 3 closing people with 2 sending sandwiches for him to other shop while there is only 1 person closing. Why sending sandwiches to other branches? He claims that the waste levels are high!! I don't give a damn!! Cutting waste levels is only making his pocket fatter!!

My shop, 3 of 4 managers are ££ signed in their eyes and mind and everything. Short of staff, lack of communication between themselves, manipulating workers like slaves, ops manager ordering workers like dogs to do anything he wants, in the end we get screwed if our performance is not as good causing by too much work to be done, etc.

So much for that, I just slowly realized that the workers who work here are mostly stupid as well. Letting them do whatever they want then stabbing them at the back saying this and that. They just don't know their entitlements and rights as employees in this company and they don't give a shit about it.

Now I realize education in business area makes me think more advance than others, especially in management.

I am NOT gonna let him do like what he does to others. I am gonna be rebellious as long as he doesn't respect and appreciate me sincerely as his subordinate because that is my way of thinking and I am gonna stick to it!

~~~Gonna face him again in the office again for today's fiasco.~~~ See what's gonna happen.... He claims it's about my attitude. Go bloody look himself in the mirror godammit!! Go ask my colleagues how is my attitude!!! _)&@#@#&*&(*_)+_)*^%%$#$@(

I am extremely lonely

It's not a joke, it's not just a temporary feeling. I feel like this most of the time. I felt more lonely before shower just now as I watched an episode of Scrubs on E4. JD is so lonely that only him who doesn't have a girlfriend while other colleagues do have a partner but they screwed up their relationship. He was so furious that he scold everyone and ran out. Scrubs is meant to be a comedy but this episode really don't make me laugh. In the end of the episode, he said that no matter how many people around you everyday but you still feel lonely, that is the worst thing.

I feel it totally. Especially in this "World's Greatest City to Live In". I feel the loneliness growing in me as days passed by even though my relation with colleagues grow more closer. In fact nearly every of my colleagues are married or at least having a partner. When I go to the park, or just a simple walk around, I realized that I am the only one walking by myself most of the time. For the past weekends, I went out all by myself with my camera, to bring my readers great spring in London. Actually I am just so lonely, depressed and bored that I really need something for me to do, enjoy and cheer myself up. Some people might ask me to go clubbing for some socialization, but that's not me at all going to the clubs alone and start talking to anonymous people and start boozing like the rest and in the end get drunk. I tell you what, I talk to anonymous customers every single day at my work. I talk to my colleagues every single day at work. But I still feel extremely lonely.

The lady who lives next room haven't sleep as well. She's Burmese. Recent cyclone had made her worried about her family back in Burma. I totally feel her but I can't do anything. Sleepless night again for her... how about me tonight? Am I going to sleep well?

As loneliness grows within me... I am still waiting for her. Does she know that?

I am extremely lonely.

Pearl Jam - Jeremy

This song's name is my name. I didn't know about this song at all until Fernando and Dagmara, both my colleagues told me about it. They actually told me quite some time already and I never searched online. Today Fernando let me listen to it so I decided to find it online just now.

This song was released in the year 1992. The story about this song is actually quite sad. You can find the stories of this song in Wikipedia. It had even won 4 MTV video music awards back then for its music video.






At home
Drawing pictures
Of mountain tops
With him on top
Lemon yellow sun
Arms raised in a V
Dead lay in pools of maroon below
Daddy didn't give attention
To the fact that mommy didn't care
King Jeremy the wicked
Ruled his world
Jeremy spoke in class today
Jeremy spoke in class today
Clearly I remember
Pickin' on the boy
Seemed a harmless little fuck
But we unleashed a lion
Gnashed his teeth
And bit the recessed lady's breast
How could i forget
He hit me with a surprise left
My jaw left hurtin
Dropped wide open
Just like the day
Like the day i heard
Daddy didn't give affection
And the boy was something mommy wouldn't wear
King jeremy the wicked
Ruled his world
Jeremy spoke in class today
Jeremy spoke in class today
Try to forget this...
Try to erase this...
From the blackboard.

What do you think of the song?

What I feel now....

It's been a month since I moved here.

I lived alone during my final 2 weeks before moving out from Sunderland. I can do whatever I want that nobody cares. I can go out whenever I want. I can do my own stuff whenever I want.

My life now is better. Aunt taking care of my dinner. Having proper food. Got nice place to shower. Got internet for free. Got TV to watch. Spending nil for all those while getting cash to spend if going out. but, I just can't take it easy on myself when I stay here. I feel pressured sometimes as I'm living in someone's place. My lifestyle is different. I have my own ways in some daily chores, tasks, habits and etc. I felt that I can't do anything wrong as I felt that if I did, I'll be in trouble. I'm thinking that, am I sitting in front of my laptop everyday making them saying stuff about me? I just have no motive and bored that's all. There's not really anything that I can do here really interest me. Those that I'm interested in, I don't dare to do it. Maybe others in the house are thinking why I don't wanna sleep earlier, staying up till late and sleep till nearly noon every morning... one reason: I feel more free to do things when everyone went to bed. At least I don't feel someone is looking at me doing things.

I felt lonely as well. I can't tell anyone how I really felt. I have nobody to talk about my feelings in my life. Relationships... myself... my future... my plans... my dreams... and nobody who comes online in MSN everyday can fully understand my feelings. I'm independent, but at times, I need someone to talk to. All my friends who has same interest as mine doesn't come online anymore nowadays. I don't know where are they, what are they doing. Maybe I really need to transform myself into lone ranger after all... like Dr. Suresh in Heroes... pursuing his own dreams alone while nobody listens to him...

Some of the things... I can't let go even I already tried... Others are telling me that I'm too bored, I'm lonely and etc. and that's why I think too much. Since I graduated, I achieved nothing useful. Only some toys like that roller coaster... I failed to complete the second one with my own plans.

I never really felt happy since I moved out from Sunderland. Maybe few times... like, when I helped my friend to solve some computer problems... when I done the roller coaster and compiled the video... I got some positive feedbacks from my interview... when granny says that the food that I cooked is nice... when my blog traffic increased a bit... when I finally changed the sidebar colour of my blog that I tried for 2 days... when I get great comments from readers...

Seems like I got happy times too since moved out huh... There are important things that makes me happy as well... seeing someone's smile... seeing the special someone come struggling me with troublesome problems... Opening an envelope and see someone writing to me that they know me quite well...

After all those babbling and moaning.. I feel better. I'm just bored and lonely thats all. Ready to face new challenges anytime!!

Leaving for London again this Saturday to see my friend, to join a festival, and most importantly, get my misc things done, and my visa done next Tuesday.

Feel like wanna chat with my brother though...

My dream last night....

Gee... I had a dream last night... and it's my first time dreaming something like this... OMG!!!
Who's that in the blur picture? I never met her in real person but chat with her few times many years ago... She's a friend of my another friend.

So what is the girl to do with my dream???













I had SEX with her in my damn dream... and she's a virgin... others I can't remember anymore...


Why the hell am I having this kinda dream suddenly... and why her?
**pondering** :-\

Reflection

After a boring morning then suddenly get annoyed by someone in the afternoon, I reflected about myself.....

I found out that,

1. I'm stupid enough to interfere other people's business.
2. I lie to run away from something that I really don't know how to solve, but sometimes it just doesn't work.
3. My mood changes fast.
4. I try my best to be nice, but sometimes it just doesn't work, or I didn't do well enough?
5. I think that be nice to others can change my social life, but I'm too naive.
6. It is still far to get what I want as until now I still don't really know what I actually wanted.
7. I have a bad attitude of negativity about myself.
8. I think & worry too much.
9. I don't have a proper hobby to keep myself working on it. I don't have chance to work on my interest -- cars.

But after I read a blog post by Clement, it makes me feel better and I feel I really need to change the way I treat myself. I re-post what he wrote below. It's quite long, but it's meaningful.

Ten Commandments for Peace of Mind

1. Do Not Interfere In Others' Business Unless Asked.

Most of us create our own problems by interfering too often in others'
affairs. We do so because somehow we have convinced ourselves that our
way is the best way, our logic is the perfect logic and those who do not
conform to our thinking must be criticized and steered to the right
direction, our direction. This thinking denies the existence of
individuality and consequently the existence of God. God has created each
one of us in a unique way. No two human beings can think or act in exactly
the same way. All men or women act the way they do because God within them
prompts them that way. There is God to look after everything. Why are you
bothered? Mind your own business and you will keep Your peace.

2. Forgive And Forget.

This is the most powerful aid to peace of mind. We often develop ill
feelings inside our heart for the person who insults us or harms us. We
nurture grievances. This in turn results in loss of sleep, development of
stomach ulcers, and high blood pressure. This insult or injury was done
once, but nourishing of grievance goes on forever by constantly
remembering it. Get over this bad habit. Believe in the justice of God
and the doctrine of Karma. Let Him judge the act of the one who insulted
you. Life is too short to waste in such trifles. Forgive, Forget, and
march on. Love flourishes in giving and forgiving.

3. Do Not Crave For Recognition.

This world is full of selfish people. They seldom praise anybody without
selfish motives. They may praise you today because you are in power, but
no sooner than you are powerless, they will forget your achievement and
will start finding faults in you. Why do you wish to kill yourself in
striving for their recognition? Their recognition is not worth the
aggravation. Do your duties ethically and sincerely and leave the rest to
God.

4. Do Not Be Jealous.

We all have experienced how jealousy can disturb our peace of mind. You
know that you work harder than your colleagues in the office, but
sometimes they get promotions; you do not. You started a business several
years ago, but you are not as successful as your neighbor whose business
is only one year old. There are several examples like these in everyday
life. Should you be jealous? No. Remember everybody's life is shaped by
his or her previous Karma, which has now become his destiny. If you are
destined to be rich, nothing in the world can stop you. If you are not so
destined, no one can help you either. Nothing will be gained by blaming
others for your misfortune. Jealousy will not get you anywhere; it will
only take away your peace of mind.

5. Change Yourself According To The Environment.

If you try to change the environment single-handedly, the chances are you
will fail. Instead, change yourself to suit your environment. As you do
this, even the environment, which has been unfriendly to you, will
mysteriously change and seem congenial and harmonious.

6. Endure What Cannot Be Cured.

This is the best way to turn a disadvantage into an advantage. Every day
we face numerous inconveniences, ailments, irritations, and accidents
that are beyond our control. If we cannot control them or change them, we
must learn to put up with these things. We must learn to endure them
cheerfully thinking, "God wills it so, so be it." God's plan is beyond
our comprehension. Believe in it and you will gain in terms of patience,
inner strength and will power.

7. Do Not Bite Off More Than You Can Chew.

This maxim needs to be remembered constantly. We often tend to take more
responsibilities than we are capable of carrying out. This is done to
satisfy our ego. Know your limitations. Why take on additional loads that
may create more worries? You cannot gain peace of mind by expanding your
external activities. Reduce your material engagements and spend time in
prayer, introspection and meditation. This will reduce those thoughts in
your mind that make you restless. Uncluttered mind will produce greater
peace of mind.

8. Meditate Regularly.

Meditation calms the mind and gets rid of disturbing thoughts. This is the
highest state of peace of mind. Try and experience it yourself. If you
meditate earnestly for half an hour everyday, your mind will tend to
become peaceful during the remaining twenty-three and half-hours. Your
mind will not be easily disturbed as it was before. You would benefit by
gradually increasing the period of daily mediation. You may think that
this will interfere with your daily work. On the contrary, this will
increase your efficiency and you will be able to produce better results
in less time.

9. Never Leave The Mind Vacant.

An empty mind is the devil's workshop. All evil actions start in the
vacant mind. Keep your mind occupied in something positive, something
worthwhile. Actively follow a hobby. Do something that holds your
interest. You must decide what you value more: money or peace of mind.
Your hobby, like social work or temple work, may not always earn you more
money, but you will have a sense of fulfillment and achievement. Even
when you are resting physically, occupy yourself in healthy reading or
mental chanting of God's name.

10. Do Not Procrastinate And Never Regret.

Do not waste time in protracted wondering "Should I or shouldn't I?"
Days, weeks, months, and years may be wasted in that futile mental
debating. You can never plan enough because you can never anticipate all
future happenings. Always remember, God has His own plan, too for you.
Value your time and do the things that need to be done. It does not
matter if you fail the first time. You can learn from your mistakes and
succeed the next time. Sitting back and worrying will lead to nothing.
Learn from your mistakes, but do not brood over the past. DO NOT REGRET.
Whatever happened was destined to happen only that way. Take it as the
Will of God. You do not have the power to alter the course of God's Will.
Why cry over spilt milk?

------------------------------------

Congratulations if you finish reading it.

Thank God for sending me this article when I needed most.

I mustn't fail myself and fail those who have hopes on me.

Now sitting outside the house under the umbrella under the bright sun with wind blowing... 29'c temperature.... relaxing myself....

27th June 2007

It's a date which is quite special for me.... cos it's my birthday!!!!!!! haha... and this is my 100th POST!! Nic asked me why I got so much to blog about.. well, maybe I just like to share my thoughts and life with others by words.

So, what's on my birthday?? Sleep?? haha... slept quite late last night as I played Monopoly with Alvin, Nic and Felicia. That was before 12 o'clock. I lost badly like usual when playing Monopoly.. so sad and disappointed though.. but after finishing first round, we played another round and I win it!! Ah.. at least I won the game... then slept at around 4a.m. till 11a.m. When wake up, Alvin straightly start playing DOTA. Why the heck is he so crazy about it.. and even now he's still sitting beside me continuing the game.

The weather today is just.. wet.. raining again and that makes us quite disappointed as we were planning to go to Newcastle for buffet as it's my birthday. We went out anyway... and arrived Newcastle at around 1.30p.m. We went to The Gate to tryout Wokmania which we saw for some time but never get to try out the buffet there. The first impression, its decor is nice. I like its design, simple and clean.
So this is the main entrance of Wokmania, Chinese Buffet.
The interior decor...
The food served, which is quite nice for a Chinese buffet in England. The Malaysian curry is surprisingly nice, but the level of hot which is medium as specified on the sign doesn't represent the hotness of the curry at all. I think is even less than mild for that level...
Eating with Felicia, Alvin and Nic for second round of the buffet. We ate until we were full that we can't walk straight.... till now, 8.16p.m., I'm still full like just finish my meal. £5.90 per person for buffet and £1.80 for refillable soft drinks per person. £7.70 for a meal which can let us full until we only need 1 meal a day, that's really worth it, just that we need to add £2.50 for the Metro tickets to go there... £10.20 for a day spent, not bad though.

After meal, we went to have a walk at Eldon Square as Felicia wanna shop for a while cos there are sales happening in the shops. After shopping, we went to the Gateshead Millennium Bridge and The Sage Gateshead which we long want to go and take photos but doesn't have a chance. We walked there and took some photos, and rain falls again... sigh~~ Walking in the rain back to the Metro Station and head back home....
Gateshead Millennium Bridge
The Sage, Gateshead, which is one of the landmarks in Newcastle.

I checked my Friendster and realized that I had more birthday messages than last year.. happy!! and my bro send me a birthday e-card which is from my family...
cute right?? Thanks all for the birthday wishes, and blog post as well.. click here for the post which is about me... and thanks to Cath for the card which you had gave me before we went back to Kuching. I love that custom made card. Thanks Liwan for the SMS and thanks to Nic, Alvin and Felicia for the buffet.

Seems like my first birthday at England wasn't that bad at all...

and that's the end of my 100th blog post.

Trust?

Seems like I can't trust anyone else other than God and myself, even my closest friends who get along together everyday. I felt so disappointed and I feel deeper and deeper from day to day.

One thing I wanna confess.

I DON'T FUCKING STEAL MONEY!!! KNNCCB!!!
WHY THE HELL SUSPECTING ME STEALING!!!

Disappointed and angry even though I didn't show my emotions. I NEVER have good financial background among all people here but I swear to God that I'm not stealing anyone's money! For goodness sake! I don't know how many people "suggested me to be suspected for stealing" and I don't wanna know who.

Fuck I feel so disappointed. I trust nobody anymore.

Back to Sunderland

In just a blink, I'm back here in Room 199 again. This morning I was still in Chelmsford, going to Wickford town to have a walk and buy my slippers.
After I went back at around noon, I fried some rice myself, accompany with some canned wanton soup, that's my lunch today. Then off I go to London Stansted Airport at around 2.30p.m. Arriving around 3.05p.m. so I just checked in straightly, then walk straight into the waiting lounge, took this photo in the toilet as I feel the words on the mirror are quite special. I'm not cam-whoring yea! Just taking photos of the words!
There's my plane coming at around 4.15p.m. Boarding at around 4.30p.m. but the flight delayed due to some congestion reasons, so the plane took off around 5p.m. rather than 4.40p.m.
Manage to get back in time to have my dinner with the rest of the guys. Saw her, she still look so charming though. Dinner is nice but I just feel too tired to say anything.

So, what have I done for the past whole week? I updated already in the previous few posts. See for yourself then. This following video is me on drums playing Dirty Little Secret which I promised that I'll post it here. The second half part of the video is a bit off sync, maybe due to the conversion of the videos when I edit it. Lazy to correct the timing so, just the original one. Just a sharing of my hobby, although it's not that great afterall. I know I look dead in the video, I know I look like a zombie in the video. Well, it's just me.

Backstab

So today I'm reflecting on this word, backstab. Why the hell am I thinking about it? It's complicated. You might tell me that don't care what others say and just be myself, but it matters me as well. why? I backstab others as well, unfortunately. Now I'm thinking of how much harm had i made to others. Maybe someone out there is doing the same thing to me for the mistakes I had done as well... I wonder had someone had hated me before for knowing from others that I said something bad about them. Sorry for that and I mean it as I don't feel nice too when the same thing happen to me.

Just a thought. No offense to anyone yea. It's a free place to say how I feel right?

How do people describe me?

1. big belly (nearly everyone) cos sadly it's the fact...
2. slow (Chloe, Maple & Jac mostly) cos they claim that I talk extremely slow...
3. long finger nails (Chloe) cos I can't cut my finger nails too short...
4. penguin (Maple) cos she claimed that I walk like penguin... er...
5. polar bear (Chloe) I don't have any idea why she call me like this...
6. got boobs (Cathy) Er... caused by fat?
7. anything else???? leave me comments... I would wanna know...